New Start?!

The moment my finals' results came out last year, I knew that the life I lived the past couple years is no longer an option. I was certain now that with changing my university, nothing will be the same as before. I was worried.

Over the summer, I started to accept the idea of this new start with the help and support from family and friends. I reached the point where I was getting excited about starting and I was actually happy again. However, turns out that I was fooling myself. All of this excitement and enthusiasm were an unconscious phase to hide the pain and bury it deep down. Little did I know that when those true feelings return to the surface, reality will hit me hard. That started to happen two weeks ago.

I was having a normal day when my friend sent me a text saying that she moved in to the dorm. She said that she misses me and that the dorms are empty and not the same without me there. I would say that this text was the spark that ignited the explosion of my inner true fears. It was one of those moments where you suddenly understand what has happened, almost like waking up from a coma.

Almost thousands and thousands of terrifying thoughts went through my head at once. Tons of questions that made no sense and were left unanswered. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Where did the past two years' effort and hard work go? How can two years of my life simply evaporate into thin air? .. I felt like my head was about to explode, but instead my eyes exploded with nonstop tears. It felt like the tears were acid drops burning my cheeks and chin. I was devastated. I was a mess.

With days passing by, I was getting more and more nervous about my fresh start. There were days where I would cry but for a few minutes and that would be it.

It all came down to last night. Tomorrow is the big day, new college, new people, new life, new me. I have to admit that I cried myself to sleep, but they were relieving in a weird way. I had my friends' support and they were chatting with me trying to calm me down. I am truly blessed to have all of them beside me. Somewhere between my tears and the talk with my friends, my brain eventually gave up and let me get a couple hours of sleep.

When the sun came up, I was already awake. I prayed my morning prayers and headed to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I wanted to enjoy my coffee and get my head together but my brain wasn't going to let me have it! I was already wondering and worrying about everything. My mom woke up just in time to wake up my siblings for school and pull me away from my dark thoughts.

I got ready and waited for the bus to arrive. As if I wasn't nervous enough, the bus was running late and we did arrive about ten minutes late. Luckily, the teacher understood that it was the first day and he let the students in.

My first class was Calculus-2. Due to my bad mood, I didn't really pay attention to what the teacher was saying. I got that there would be four exams throughout the semester and he said something about a book we should get. This was honestly my first time since I can remember that I wasn't interested in what was being said. I realized I wasn't giving myself a chance to adjust and fit in. However, no matter how distracted I am, the moment the teacher starts explaining the lesson he gets my full attention. The first lesson was related to high school maths that seemed a long time ago. I found the material very easy and simple for such things were the basics to more complicated formulas. I didn't feel motivated to participate.

Second period was my elective course; Introduction to Community Health. It seemed very interesting and it was a chance to learn about a different domain than engineering. General knowledge and being able to discuss topics that are not related to my major is definitely very important to becoming a successful member of the society. I hoped that this class would give me this opportunity and judging by the introduction it seemed like I was on the right path.

During my break, I ran into an old classmate/friend from school. We got the chance to talk a bit and catch up. I was running into new people everywhere I looked but I wasn't ready yet to make new friendships. I was still hanging on to the past two years and I was feeling "homesick" to the dorms and my friends at my old uni. I just had to give myself sometime. "Rome wasn't built in a day", so I wasn't going to forget everything in one day.

Composition and Research Skills was next. I was honestly excited for this one class for several reasons, mainly that the section instructor was my former teacher back in school and I have always loved and respected her. When she gave us the introduction about the course and some of the class rules, she sounded strict. I myself love rules so I was glad to hear all that! The best part was her fluent English language; it has been a long time since I have heard someone speak like this. I just love it and specifically I love and enjoy having a conversation with someone like that. I miss practicing my English. All the discussion that was taking place was amazing. When class was over I realized that I was going to enjoy this course for she mentioned that we will be writing many essays and like I mentioned before writing has become more of my hobby.

AutoCad was my last for the day. The teacher explained to us the importance of this course as Engineering students. It really caught my attention. She did mention that there will be tons of assignments that must be handed on time. That motivated me even more, I was ready to get busy studying. However, she kept on saying that "time is our enemy in this course". I had to disagree for we were the ones to decide if time is our friend or enemy, but I didn't say a word. Seems like there is so much to learn in this class and I was excited to start learning.

Overall, the day was much better than I expected it to be. My classes seemed interesting; in general some more than others. I still feel that there is a hole in my heart that hurts, but I am not going to give up on myself. I am going to give it my best and hope for positive outcomes. Looking forward to building new friendships but when the time is right. I must not push myself over the limit so that I don't crash again yet I will absolutely do my best.

Tomorrow is a new day, new classes, new teachers. May it be even better than today, we'll see!

A Muslim In Church

The major role of an exchange student while being abroad is being an ambassador of his country and culture.

After receiving my placement information, I started contacting my host family. They told me that they are Catholic and that they went to church every Sunday. I knew it was going to be very interesting due to the fact that I am a Muslim. I have to say that Christians constitute about 40% of the population in Lebanon so I am familiar with the basics of Christianity but I have never been to a church before. Before I traveled, I asked dad whether I could go to church with my host family or not. He said well of course why can't you go? After all, all our religions are alike in a way and send a message from God about love and peace but we each have a way of delivering this message. Besides, the Holy Quran mentions them and we are supposed to believe in Jesus just like we believe in Mohammad (Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him). He encouraged me to to go church and said that I must respect their religion first if I want them to respect mine back.

My first visit to church was outstanding. I had to ask my host mom what to wear since I didn't know the dress code; for instance when we go to the mosque or pray we have to wear the Hijab. After we got ready, the entire family got in the car and we were on our way. When we got there, we met the priest and my family introduced me to him. He was very nice and welcomed me to the church. He said it was nice to have me here. Everything in church seemed very different than our mosques. I was eager to hear the lecture for I wanted to see the similarities and differences between us. 

I honestly don't remember what the lecture was about for that was over 5 years ago! But I do remember that I honestly liked it. I paid attention to every single detail from the readings of the Bible to the songs to the wise words of the priest. There was something in particular that caught my attention. During the Mass, there was a time where the priest would tell people to greet each other. Every one would shake hands and say "peace" to the person on their left, right, in front, behind, near... It was amazing. I have to admit it was my favorite part during church at all times. The cutest thing was that my host family when shaking hands with me would say "salam" which is Arabic for peace (and can be used to greet people). It was a great feeling.

After the Mass was over, people would go up in line to eat some bread and drink some wine. When I asked what was that about, they explained to me that it represented Jesus's body and blood (if I remember well). Of course as much as I liked attending church I never participated in the praying or the bread&wine eating ritual. For one reason, wine is prohibited in Islam for it contains alcohol and it is mentioned in the Quran as something to stay away from. Moreover, I had my own prayers. I would listen to the Bible and everything while sticking to my religion.

Week after week, church became more and more interesting especially when they would tell stories that we have in the Quran. It was cool getting to know different versions of the same story while of course respecting all views. The priest often talked with me always asking me about how is everything going with me and answered questions I asked.

There was this particular Sunday where I remember I had a cold and a really bad cough. I was coughing so hard I thought about skipping church and staying at home. Somehow I ended up going to church. For my luck, we happened to have front row center seats that day. My host mom made a joke about how I am a Muslim sitting in church's first row when some Catholics were having a hard time finding a seat! Anyway, I was so worried about my annoying cough for I knew it would bother people and disturb the church. So, I did my best to control it. I held it in all the way till the Mass was over. I was so focused on my cough to the point that I didn't hear a word that morning, I was not focusing. But thanks to God, I managed to survive it without coughing until of course we went out and I almost exploded coughing. 

Not only did church give me a great opportunity to learn about Christianity and teach about Islam, but also it was a great way to meet new people who lived near by. To be more specific, I actually met a Lebanese family living in Green Bay via church! I don't know how that happened but eventually the Lebanese family contacted my host family and we met. It was a sweet bonus. 

Going to church was such an eye opening experience for me especially at that age. I was able to see that despite the differences, the religions were extremely alike. They both had the message of love, peace, and obeying God. So why do we tend to hate each other or judge each other blindly?

Dorm Life - My Girls!

When you are away from home, your friends become your family especially if they are like my friends- Dorm Friends to be specific.

The past two years were probably the roughest two years I have had so far. My college experience wasn't exactly the way I hoped it would turn out. I studied as hard as I could but my efforts never paid off. However, I don't regret going through it despite all the pain that came along because I made some lifetime friendships.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I didn't know anyone there except my childhood friend but I was building new friendships in no time. I started to know the girls in my class and more specifically those who lived on campus. At first we were only acquaintances. We would say to each other in the dorm kitchens and elevators. We would have small chats before classes started. With time, I got to know the girls more and we started to visit each other's rooms. I started to go over when I had a question about something or when I missed a class. After a month or so, we started to actually bond. We would gather to gossip and laugh, we would support each other when one of us felt homesick or upset. I started to love these girls. There were times where we would grab something to eat together before going to uni or gather for dinner. These girls were amazing. I started to feel that I can talk to them about anything. We had some differences in Religion and politics views but we would always have a civilized discussion. I started to learn new things about the way they think and their live style and vise versa.

Another circle of my dorm friends was the girls I met in the kitchen and got to know them more! Girls were very different than me yet very alike. We would hang out when we were done with our studies. There were times where we spend the night giggling or even crying on each other's shoulders. No matter how tired or busy we were, we always had time for each other. During the times of exams, they would stop by my room to check on me. After exams were over, we would have a get together to catch up again. We used to share secrets and trust each other with our lives.

We had so many adventures during the past two years, some were joyful and other painful.

I remember the hunger attacks that used to take place especially when studying. There was this one day where I finished studying a bit after midnight and I was starving. I had some hamburgers, buns & fries in addition to other types of food. I picked up the phone and called my friend. I asked if she's hungry (although we were kinda always hungry!!!) and she said yes. I told her grab the girls and come to the kitchen near my room. And here we were at 1 A.M four girls eating burgers and drinking soda. We took some videos and pictures for the memory. Those moments were priceless.

There was also the neighbor friend circle too. The girls in the same floor were amazing. We would meet by coincident in a room and meet new girls. It would start by one girl going to her neighbor to perhaps borrow something and by chance another girl would come. Then she would call her roommate to come over. Some girls would hear the sound coming from the room so they would join them too. As for me, it would be when I am headed to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and I would see the door open so I would stop by and say hi. These gatherings usually happened in the evening since everyone would be in there rooms. There were times where we would have a 10 minute conversation in front of our doors until someone would tell us to keep our voices down. We would giggle and head off to our rooms since that usually happened after midnight, yes they had the right to tell us to keep calm but we barely had time to actually sit down all together.

Honestly, there is not enough space or enough words to describe how wonderful the girls are. We were literally family. We lived together, ate together, laughed together, cried together. During the past two years I met so many girls and most of them became my friends. We had tons of fights but within no time we would go back to being friends. We never held a grudge against one another. The day I knew I was transferring schools, I was upset. I knew I was going to miss my dorm friends. I know that I will be in touch with most of them and that I will still see them but it will be different. I can't stand the idea of college life without them around.

I miss my girls but I will always love and cherish them. They mean to me more than I can express and the time we spent together is very valuable to me.

Navy, Columbia Blue & White ... Here Comes The Pirates!

After I got the news that I was accepted to be a part of the YES exchange program, I was placed with the Leitermans in Green Bay, Wisconsin. The placement information also said that I will be attending Bay Port High School. There was a link to the school's website so I checked it out. I was very excited to attend there especially that it was my first year in high school since in Lebanon, high school is grades 10,11 and 12 unlike the States where 9th grade was also in high school.

The first time I went with my host parents to see my new school I was both excited and nervous. We met with the principal who was very welcoming and nice. He explained to us the rules and how the system works at the school. He told us about all the activities and clubs they had and encouraged me to participate as much as I can. He told me that the Bay Port mascot was the Pirate and that the school's colors were navy, columbia blue and white, or in plain english blue and white! Afterwards, he gave us a tour and showed us where everything was located such as the library, the gym and the auditorium. I was so confused and felt already lost for the school was huge! It was nothing like our high schools back home. I would have to run back and forth between my classes whereas back home we would stay in the same room all day and teachers would come over. I had to learn my locker combination and get to know how to unlock it, I never had a locker before! When the tour was over, we went and met my counselor who helped me choose my classes and set up my schedule. As an exchange student, I was registered as a senior that way I can take almost any class I want. I tried my best to take as many courses similar to what my friends back home were taking so that when I got back I wouldn't be behind. That was a bit challenging since the academic system varied widely between the States and Lebanon.

I remember that my first day was September 1st, 2008. I knew it was going to be a serious challenge since not only did I not know anyone yet, but also it was the first day of Ramadan (the Holy month where we as Muslims would fast from sunrise to sunset). 

My host dad offered me the night before that he would walk me to the bus stop since all of this was new to me. He made sure that I knew what my bus number was so that I don't end up God knows where!! After I got on, I sat on an empty seat by myself since I didn't know anyone. Once I got to Bay Port I went to the main office to get some help getting around. Although I had already had my schedule with the color coded map of the school I was still lost. I was happy to know that they had assigned me two lovely girls to help me throughout my first day and make sure I would be in class on time. Tardiness was never accepted and I didn't want to be marked absent on my first day. Since the girls were making sure I am where I am supposed to be, they were given hallway passes that allowed them to be out of class after the bell rang so that they can get to their classes without getting in trouble. However, as much help they provided we did face a small problem. The LOCKERS. For some reason, I had this phobia of the locker combination. I was too nervous to get the hang of it and I was losing my patience since several tries and all were a failure. Luckily, the girls were there to help.

All the teachers were extremely nice and welcomed me with warm talks. Most of them introduced me to the class since I was an exchange student and most of them have never heard about Lebanon before. I have to admit, I was nervous for I thought that I will be judged for being a Muslim coming from the Middle East. I was wrong and I send my apologies. Of course there were some students that alienated me but they were very few. Most of them were excited and had tons of questions that I was gladly answering. All the teachers were more than supportive and told me that they were ready to help me when I needed help. It was so nice to get to talk to them for I learned about their culture and they learned about mine. They never made feel like an outsider or different by any way. I also had my concerns for I thought that the teachers might have a hard time understanding what I was saying due to my pronunciation problem but I never faced that problem. They were extremely patient and listened carefully. I was so happy and they made my experience in the States so much easier. They made me feel like I belonged there. They were always motivating and encouraging me. Their positive comments always gave me warmth in my heart. I am sure they don't know that but they played a major role in building my self confidence. I was a shy person that was too scared to talk to strangers and they turned me into a confident young lady that wouldn't let anything stand in the way of her dreams. If only I can ever thank them enough. I never hesitated to ask anyone of them anything whether about school or anything else. 

I miss every single one of this amazing family at Bay Port and I know that the chances of meeting any of them again is very slight and negligible but I will always have them in my heart. I will always think of them wishing them that life treats them well. I will always be thankful for them for changing my life in a ways I never thought about. I hope that some of them get a hold of this post and think of me as someone that perhaps changed something in their lives. 

Bay Port taught me not only what is in the books, but also acceptance of the others and gave me some life skills that I will always be thankful for. 

Forever a Pirate.

Go Pack Go!

When I found out that I was placed in Green Bay, Wisconsin, I went to the internet to get some information about the place that I will be calling home for the next year. I read a bit about the climate there, the history of the area and saw some pictures on Google maps. It seemed like a cool place and I was excited to get there. However, I didn't realize that I missed out on a very important detail about Green Bay. The Packers!

I always knew that people in the States were into sports but I had no idea that it was a crucial part of their lives.

Throughout the orientations that we went through before arriving to our host states, I heard advisors talk about the Packers and the cheese heads the minute I tell them I am headed to Green Bay. I had no clue what they were talking about so I smiled, nodded, and secretly wondered what in the world are they talking about!

When I first arrived at the Leiterman's and got settled in, I started to realize what confused me before. The first thing I noticed in my room were two huge helmets above my bed, a yellow one and a red one. I got to know later on that the yellow one was for the Green Bay Packers and the red one was for the Wisconsin Badgers.

So for those of you who don't know, turns out that the Packers were the local football team of Green Bay.

I remember my first Packers' game. My host mom told me that we were going to see the Packer's play. I was starting to get used to the idea about how important sport events is in the States and was being introduced to new kinds of sports that we don't have back home in Lebanon, such as baseball. It never occurred to me that "football" might be a new sport! Even though Lebanese people are not into sports as Americans, but they still cared about a couple sports mainly Basketball and Football. I was excited to go to the game for I thought I would be watching and understanding since I didn't get baseball instantly.

I had absolutely no idea that I was going to be shocked.

We arrived at the stadium - Lambeau Field and it was crowded to say the least. I have never in my life seen anything like this before. Besides the size of the stadium, it was the all the enthusiasm around me that kinda freaked me out. Everywhere I looked, I would see people dressed up in green and yellow, some were shirtless and had their chest and faces painted, others were holding those huge foam fingers, not to forget the foam cheese people wore on their heads. Everyone had the Packers' fever. Men, women, teens, kids, old people, babies...EVERYONE! As we walked through the gates and went to find our seats, I was overwhelmed by everything I was seeing. It was such a new experience for me and I was enjoying it.

I was too excited to wonder to myself why did they need helmets, but as the game started I found my answer.

When we arrived at our seats, I looked at the playground and it didn't look familiar at all. There were no goal nets; instead there were these yellow bars that I had no idea what they are for. Things got stranger as the players arrived at the field. They were wearing helmets and those people were huge! As they started to play I was like what in the world?! This is not football! What is this??

Turns out that what we call football, Americans call soccer and what they call football we didn't know this sport. I remember having long conversations trying to understand why they call it football since they don't use their feet to to kick the ball or anything.

I was confused and had no idea what this was. After some time I started to enjoy watching the Packers even if I didn't comprehend what was going on. I enjoyed being around people and was liking the idea of being a Packer fan and a cheese head. There were countless times however where the fans would be cheering the team and singing songs and I would have no idea what they were saying. My host dad would always laugh when I tell him "what are they saying?!" but after some time I got the hang of it.

Community service was a big deal to me while I was in the States. I wanted to give back to the community and at the same time get the chance to learn more about the American culture. For that reason, I volunteered to help the Lions Club at the football games.They would give out free items for the fans for charity causes. Believe it or not I never missed a game! Even when it was freezing I would go and do my best.

For my luck, during that year the Packers went to Super bowl (which is the annual champion game of football). It was pretty cool to get to see that. It was all that people talked about.

Looking back now, I have to admit I miss the football games. They were so much fun to watch and a nice activity to enjoy with the entire family. I still catch up on the news of the Packers ever now and then via the social media and it puts a smile on my face.

I am proud to say I am still a Packer fan and a cheese head!
(one more thing if you are wondering about the cheese head thing and what does it have to do with the Packers, well Wisconsin is the dairy land of the States and that is where the nickname came from).

Go Pack Go!

True Friendships

They say that friends are the family we get to choose. 

At school, at work, in our daily life, we always meet new people. At first, they are only our new acquaintances and an extension to our social circle in life. But when do we start calling them friends?

The definition of a friend varies from one person to another. Some might say that he is the one that supports them. Others say that a friend is someone you can laugh with and bring out the best in you. A friend can be someone that can keep your secret. A person that gives you advice may be considered as a friend to some. I believe that none of the above are qualities of a true friend, they are a bonus and more like the icing on the cake!

A friendship should be stripped off selfishness. In a true friendship, I believe, you shouldn't expect anything from your friend. They shouldn't do anything just because they have too. A true friend doesn't support you just because you support them, or tell you what you want to hear just so that they don't hurt your feelings. A true friend shouldn't expect a thank you back when they do something nice. 

A true friend is somebody that accepts you for the person you are not what other people want you to be. A true friend is a person that doesn't care about your gender, race, religion or how much money you have. A true friend cares only about your soul. A true friend is someone that you can have a fight with and not talk to for months then when you text them things go back to normal. A true friend is someone that even if you sat in silence, you communicate better than when speaking. A true friend is someone that is nice to you because they want to be nice to you not any other reason. A true friend will yell at you for thanking them and perhaps even laugh at you. A true friend can never be described in words.

I am blessed to have some true friends in my life. Everyone of them is different but that is what makes them special. What they all have in common is their amazing spirit and honest friendship. 

In conclusion, it is not important to make as many friends as possible as much as it important to make true friends. You never know who your true friend is. Might be someone you barely say hi to, might be your sibling, might be someone you randomly met and might be one of your "friends". Never give up on people and most importantly never give up on yourself. 

Why The Hijab?

Before starting, I must first define the term "Hijab" for those who are not familiar with it.

Hijab is the Islamic dress code that God ordered women and girls to wear. It requires to cover up the hair, the neck, the ears, and the entire body. The main purpose of it is to protect the girls from unwanted and prohibited actions by boys. There are several theories about what is the age at which the girl must wear the Hijab; some say at 13 others say after she reaches the age of puberty which of course varies between a girl and another. Either ways, it is preferred to be worn at the time where the girl's body starts to attract boys and even seduce them. That way it protects girls and boys from committing any sins that God forbids us from. Of course, the more loose the clothes are the better. However, that doesn't mean she has to cover up in front of other girls and women. She can wear whatever she wants and show her hair to all ladies and few boys/men. The only men that are allowed to see a girl who wears the Hijab without it are : her dad, her husband (and no not her boyfriend!), her brothers and uncles. BUT there is much more to the Hijab than the dress code. When wearing the Hijab, a girl must respect it and be worthy of it. She must show all the qualities of a respected Muslim girl, she must have good manners and ethics.

When it comes to me, I didn't wear the Hijab either specified age dates. I wore it a couple months before I turned 20.

I come from a moderate preservative Muslim family. We do what God tells us to and what His messenger prophet Mohammad (Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him) said in his messages. However, we do have some mistakes that we do, after all we are all humans. My parents never brought up the idea of the Hijab since they thought I was still too young in their perspective. My dad always said that he will know when the time is right. My mom wore the Hijab when she was 13 years old I believe and she was forced into it. She now says that she is very grateful that my grandmother forced her at the time, but she didn't want to force it on me and my sisters. She believed that when we were ready we would decide to wear it without the need of being bossed around.

 I always thought about wearing it but hesitated. So how did I finally decide to wear it?!

Well, my entire life I always got what I wanted in everything. God was always on my side leading my way to was the best for me. I was a straight A student always earning scholarships and on the high honors list. During my entire school years I would always be exempted from my finals due to my outstanding grades. That came from the hard work but the main reason was because I always put my faith in God and trusted Him. In addition to that, I applied to the YES scholarship to be an exchange student and I thought I didn't stand a chance due to my pronunciation problem, but I believed that if it was a good thing for me God would make it happen and if not then I was better off without it. Turns out it was a very good thing and I did win the scholarship. My entire year I was away from my family, my home, from my comfort zone, but I always knew that God was with me. I faced some tough situations while being in the States but God helped me overcome them. After graduating high school, I applied to the school of Engineering at the Lebanese University and that is the hardest uni here in Lebanon. I did my part and studied and left the rest to God and I was in! Moreover, ever since I was a baby I had to go through several surgeries. I had my first when I was only 3 months old and my last was recently after I turned 20. God always made all these surgeries turn out great with no mistakes or errors. God helped me recover and made everything well. 

All of the previous reasons encouraged me to wear the Hijab in a shy attempt to thank God, not that we can ever thank Him enough. However, there is a saying in the Holy Quran that asked people if they believed in some of what God said and didn't believe in other things. It made sense to me, God ordered us to pray and we pray. God ordered us to fast and we fast. God tells us to wear the Hijab and I didn't! 

I knew that everything God ordered us to do was for our own good. I knew that the Hijab was to protect the girl from the cruel world we live in that was filled with uncontrolled men. I myself did face a few incidents that I probably wouldn't have faced if I was listening to God and wearing the Hijab.

After some thinking, God finally enlightened my mind and convinced me to wear the Hijab.

I was a bit worried about how I would look in it, how people would react to me. But I put all that aside and thought about God only. To my surprise, turns out that the Hijab looked pretty well on me and I was getting compliments from my friends and family. They were encouraging me to do the right thing.

Some people ask me sometimes how did the Hijab affect my life? Did it come in your way or affect you negatively? How did you adjust your clothes style and are you comfortable with it?

I will say with confidence that wearing the Hijab is the best thing that ever happened to me. Ever since I wore it, I got power that I didn't have before. I got the power to control my life more, I was able to decide who shook my hand and I unconsciously forced people to respect me more. I was able to show the world that I am proud to be a Muslim and I thanked God for such a blessing. I was now able to sit in class without having to worry about the way people looked at me for I knew I was doing the right thing. And let me assure that it was never an obstacle in achieving my goals. I was like any other person with one difference, I chose to not show my body off to everyone. As to my dressing, it didn't change much. Except the part about showing off my hair, not much was different. I wasn't the kind of girl that would wear mini skirts or tight tops so I just started to cover up my body more with a bit more loose clothes. I was happy and satisfied with my new life style and I am proud.

I thank God everyday for the blessing of being a Muslim and for wearing the Hijab. It is almost a year now and day after day I am more glad that I decided to wear it. 

Before wrapping up this post, there is a saying I would like to share. I once read that if being naked is a proof of civilization, then congratulations to the animals for they are the most civilized.

In conclusion, wearing the Hijab a privilege that comes with responsibilities. One must show good manners and not just cover up her body, that is not the point of Hijab. Hijab simply is to protect the ladies and reflect the TRUE message of Islam.

Meeting My Host Family

As if heading off to the States to live there for a year away from my family is not intimidating enough, try to add the idea of living with a host family that you have never met before into the mix!

When I recall the day that I received that phone call from AMIDEAST (the organization that was responsible for the YES exchange program) saying that I was accepted and that I was one of the 45 Lebanese students that would be traveling to the US, I was beyond thrilled. I started to prepare all the paper work needed and I knew that my life would not be the same from this moment on. However, as much relief that phone call brought, it did make me very nervous. I started to wonder about my host family. Who would it be? How are they going to fit me in with their family? Will they accept me the way I am? Will they love me like I am one of them or will I be an outsider stranger?

I waited anxiously to know who my host family is, for I was worried that I might have a hard time being placed. The call finally came and the news was great. I have been placed in Green Bay, Wisconsin with the Leiterman family. I was so excited I couldn't believe it at first. I was placed fairly quickly, I was so happy. I was told that they are a family of five; Dad (Tom), Mom (Vicky), and three boys (Steven, John & Micheal). Once I checked my email inbox and found a message from them I started to communicate with them via email. They sent me a couple photos and shared with me some of their life details. They were the age of my parents' and the boys were like my siblings in age. I knew that we will get along and they seemed very nice.

When the time to travel came, all the YES students first arrive to DC for some orientations and meetings before heading to their host states. Once I got on the plane to Green Bay my nerves kicked it; there was no time to back out now. All I could think about the entire flight was I hope they will like me and accept me. I remember the moment I got off that airplane I felt that I was about to faint. The feeling was overwhelming. The airport was crowded, everyone spoke English, I didn't know where to go or where my luggage was. I wore the Lebanese flag on my shoulders in an attempt to make it easier for my host family to find me. As I was looking around nervously, I spotted them but I wasn't sure so I approached them cautiously hoping that I wasn't mistaken! Then the voice of a sweet lady called my named. I turned around to find her and the Leiterman's next to me.

She introduced herself, her name was Deb and she was my regional coordinator. Behind her stood the Leitermans. They came and welcomed me. I remember them saying "salam" which is Arabic for hi. I loved that gesture, it meant a lot and made me feel part of the family instantly. I met the boys and they were giving me warm smiles. John however stood out the most. He flooded me with questions but I was so confused and overwhelmed that I didn't comprehend anything he said! I was embarrassed and felt awkward that I didn't answer him but you can't blame me for being confused. His parents noticed my reaction and Tom told him to give me a break and to just take some time. That made me laugh but I also worried that John might not like me due to the way I acted. When we went to pick up my luggage, I was so nervous I almost didn't recognize my suitcases! Eventually we got my stuff and they helped me carry them to the car.

The first thing that they told me when we got into the car was to put my seat belt on! That was something new to me since back home we didn't really buckle up for some reason,and I have to admit I heard that sentence way more times than you can imagine! I just did not get along with the seat belt! As we drove home, we stopped by a Mc Donald's to get dinner and when they asked what do I want to eat I froze. I didn't know what to answer and I was shy to tell them. So when Steven ordered I told them like Steve and I secretly prayed that it is something I would like that was pork free! Lucky for me, turns out that Steven and I had the same taste in food and I actually liked it and believe it or not it became my "regular".

When we got home, they showed me my room and gave me time to unpack and settle in. They said that once I was ready dinner was on the table. I recall opening my suitcases, looking around, feeling lost and had the urge to cry. I pulled myself together and went upstairs. I had my dinner and then I excused myself to go take a shower and get changed. The funny part was that at the time, I didn't actually realize the difference between a "shower" and a "bath" and I used the words interchangeably, so it kinda lead to a funny situation until I finally realized it and said "oh sorry, I meant to say shower not bath!".

After I was done, I went upstairs and sat with Tom and Vicky. We talked a bit and went over the house rules. They were extremely nice and made me feel at home.

As much as I felt welcomed, I wasn't able to get any sleep my first night.

It took me a while to differentiate between Steven and John, they looked so alike to me that I honestly had a hard time telling who is who! However, I didn't need anytime to realize how amazing my host family was. They are beyond great to say the least. I became to know how loving and supportive they are very quickly. Tom is very kind and always there to help in anything really from translation to school, and every time I felt down, a hug from him calmed me down and cheered me up. Vicky is so caring and is always making sure we are where we are supposed to be. Her wise words and great sense of humor helped me survive some serious tough days. The boys are all a true blessing and everyone of them is different in a spectacular way. Steven, or as we call him Stevo, is very easy going. We got along the most. He made studying fun and got me thinking every time we had a discussion / scholastic argument! John, or as we call him John John, is the one that always made feel at home the most. He has a temper like mine, we shared laughs almost always and every time I felt homesick he was the one to put a smile on my face. Micheal, or as we call him Mickey, is the youngest and most adorable one. He was like my youngest brother that I loved to share my chocolate with! Whenever I wanted to do something fun, Mickey was my man for it.

There is honestly not enough words to describe my love to the Leitermans. They are the best. I am so honored that I am a member of their family. I am so thankful for the way they opened their home for me and treated me as one of them. All my achievements in the States is mainly because of them. They were always motivating me and pushing me to limits and beyond. They respected my religion and were open minded to my opinions despite the differences we have. They taught me tolerance and acceptance of the other. They gave me the best experience any exchange student could wish for. All the places we visited, all the activities we did, all the time we spent together, I am so grateful. I was blessed to have them as my host family and they changed my life forever in ways they don't even know. I am very thankful for everything they did. I truly hope that we will always be a family despite the distances between us.

Dorm Life - New Roommate

My roommate and I were getting along pretty well and I was glad to have her.

Everything seemed perfect. I was studying day by day and making new friends. I got to meet some of the girls that were in my class who turned out to be on the same floor as mine. But you know how sometimes wonder and say "well, this is too good to be true!" ? Yeah, it was one of those situations unfortunately. 

I came to my room one day just to find out that my roommate was moving. She told me that she is moving in to her friend's room since they were both in the same faculty and can work on their projects together. She also said that due to her major, there would be times where she needs to pull an all nighter and she didn't want to bother me. I have to admit I felt sad because the two of us were starting to become friends but after all I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. She said that she will be staying in the same floor and she will be a couple rooms away so we will still get to see each other. 

It was only a few days before that my friend from school (whom I've known for 13 years) moved to live on campus too. She was in block E and I was in block B, so when my roommate cleared the room I told my friend to move in with me. Usually when someone wanted to switch rooms, it was a mess. You would have to go with your current roommate and the person you are switching with to the administration so that they approve the request after they made sure that everyone involved agreed and not forced to do so. Since I was roommate-less I thought it was the perfect opportunity for my friend to move in. My ex-roommate told me that we should go and talk with the administration as soon as possible since they will get me a new roommate. We didn't waste anytime and I headed with  my friend to ask them to move her to my room.

The dorm administration offices was a different world. It was overly crowded and you could barely breath in there. People were receiving their room keys, others switching rooms, some fighting with their roommates.. It was insanely chaotic. We waited for what seemed like forever for our turn when they finally called us in. We went and I explained to the person in charge of the room shifting what our situation was. I told him that my roommate moved out today and my friend wanted to move in. We were so confident that he would approve since there was no roommate to make things difficult for us but it turned out we were in for a shocking unpleasant surprise. After he searched for my room on his computer he said what we least expected. "We can't move your friend to your room since you already have a roommate." I tried to explain to him that my roommate just moved out, there must be some error but he insisted that I was mistaken. When I asked him what my roommate's name was I was shocked. The name he gave me was different than that of my ex-roommate's. Then everything was clear. They have already got me a new roommate. When I tried to ask about when did that happen, since it was very soon, he said that there is a very high demand on the dorm and applicants were still flooding in. I asked him if we still wanted to switch, is it still possible? He said that I would have to wait for new roommate to come, convince her to switch rooms with my friend, then come back to his office to finalize the process. I knew that was not going to be easy especially that block B was supposedly better than block E but I wasn't going to give up before trying.

The next day I came to my room after my classes and my roommate was not here yet. My friend came over after I was done studying when there was a light knock on my door. Before I got time to open, the door was wide open and there was my new roommate with all her luggage. I greeted her and welcomed her although I wasn't exactly happy that she was moving in. I started to talk to her and I told her that before she unpacks about what happened earlier. I explained to her that my friend and I have known each other since preschool and she wanted to move in with me. My new roommate wasn't very cooperative. My friend and I offered to help her move her things to block E but she kept on mumbling and saying that she doesn't like to move around much and stuff like that. I didn't like the sound of that but I wasn't going to force her into doing anything. 

My new roommate and I did get along but not as much as the one before her. We just weren't on the same page. She was also older than me and she was in the faculty of sciences. I did my best to get along with her since we were going to live together the entire year and I didn't have time for cat fights! I do have a strong personality so I did draw some lines. I liked my roommate but I didn't appreciate her invading my privacy. There was one day when I got to the room early and found her on my laptop without previous permission. It did bother me but I didn't say anything. All I did was protect my laptop with a password! When she tried to explain herself, I told her that I wouldn't mind borrowing her my computer all she needed to do was ask not sneak behind my back. She didn't stay in the room much, most of the days she would go sleep at her house which made no sense to me. If you live nearby, then why do you need a dorm room? But I never said anything, it was non of my business. I don't know if part of that was my mistake since I drew some red lines but I don't think I ever said anything to harm her yet I had to make things clear. I am a mirror of your acts, if you are nice I would be nice but there are certain things that are not tolerated. 

The year went by and we were roommates until a month before uni ended. We never had any troubles or fights but we weren't close friends either. The reason why we didn't stay roommates was because she left a month early. She said she was going back to live at home. 

When she left, they got me another new roommate but she didn't stay a day. She told me that they placed her temporarily with me until they found an empty room for two since they wanted to live together. To my luck, that happened quickly. The next day she moved out and I was roommate-less for the rest of the year. 

If you are wondering about my first roommate, well we became really good friends and more like sisters. I am so glad we got to know each other even if we didn't live together much!

Dorm Life - Moving In

High school graduation is the stepping stone of the college road. From the moment students throw their caps up in the air, the journey begins.

I was really excited to head off to college especially that it was away from home.(I have always believed that it was better for students to go off to college away from home to increase their self independence) I knew it was going to be challenging considering that I practically didn't know anyone there but I always welcomed new challenges. After all, I managed to survive a year in a foreign country and ended up with lifetime friends and relations. Besides, it is the experience that will affect my entire life ahead.

It took me a while to pack up everything I needed though I did write down one long list of what I needed but occasionally I would remember to add a thing or two. When the big day arrived, I headed with my dad to Beirut. He dropped me off, kissed me good bye and wished me the best. Once the dorm security checked my luggage, and checked my dorm ID I was welcomed and approved to go to my room. As the elevator accelerated my heart beats accelerated too. I was both excited and nervous for I have not yet met my roommate. When I got there I looked around for my room which said on the keys "B430". I opened the door and got started to unpack. After I got settled in I was exhausted so I went to bed before my roommate even showed up.

I woke up the next morning and it seemed that my roommate was still unavailable. I headed to the common kitchen near my room to make a cup of coffee before I get to class when I saw a bunch of girls chatting. I greeted them and they did the same and I went back to my room. I got dressed and went to class. Since it was my first day at uni, I didn't know anyone in class and so I didn't get the chance to know who else lived on campus. I thought well, I'll give myself some time to get to know my classmates. There was however this one person that I kinda knew. He is a friend of a friend of mine and we met on the day of the entrance exam to the school of engineering although I found out later on that he knew me way before I knew him. You could say he was my first friend at college and we after a while became best friends. Turns out he was living on campus as well so it was nice to see a familiar face afterwards. 

When I got to my room I started to tidy things up and hoped for my mysterious roommate to appear but she didn't. Almost a week passed by and I didn't get to meet her but I was starting to meet new people around. It turned out that the best place to make new friends was the kitchen! When the girls first told me that I laughed but when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. There was always a line for the microwaves especially at lunch time so girls would stay and chat. I got used to the idea and liked it. I started to meet girls from all over Lebanon and in all different majors and schools. It was fun and it did boost my self confidence. Most of the girls were friendly and didn't judge me before knowing me, yet some were rude. Sometimes I could hear them whisper when I come but I didn't give them any attention.

Eventually my roommate came. She seemed nice and friendly and easy going. I liked her. She was from north Lebanon and studying interior design. As an engineering student I started classes before her which is why she didn't show up at first. We got along instantly. However, she didn't want to disturb me since I was studying so she left. I barely saw her since we had very different schedules but the more we talked the more we got along.

She introduced me to her friends that were on the same floor with us. Seems like she was living here before me since she is older than me. It was nice to get to know new people and all the girls seemed adorable and made me feel one of them. 

It started to feel like a new home and like I was part of a new family. But, I still wanted to get to know the girls in my class who also lived on campus but how could that happen when I didn't even know WHO the girls in my class were!

Can't Be Expressed By Words

You know the feeling when you become speechless? When words fail to come to you when you need them? Well, that's the case with me now. I have been trying to write this post for the past hour and every time I write a couple lines and go back and delete the entire thing. I have so much to say yet nothing seems enough. Not enough words, not enough ways, not enough strength. The reason behind this confusion is because I am missing a very important person yet I can't tell them. I mustn't.

The feeling has been eating me alive lately. I say I am fine when I am not. I say things are cool when everything is messed up. I want to speak, to write, to express my feelings but something is holding me back and I have no idea what it is. Maybe I do. I don't know. 

I have to just write what is on my mind perhaps it will help. I hope.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I miss how we used to chat and talk. I miss the times where talking was so easy. Now, talking is forbidden. 

I know life doesn't stop just because we got into a fight with our best friend or we broke up with the person we love or we are no longer seeing someone, I am well aware of that. But, what if we choose to not let go? What if we don't want to move on? What if we miss someone? Is it that too big of a crime?

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Every time I check my facebook account and your name pops up on my homepage or it happens that we both like the same photo it breaks my heart. Every time you post something I have to force myself from commenting or liking. Every time someone asks me about you I have to flash a smile on my face so that they don't see what I am hiding. We used to be best friends but I ruined it. I wanted you for myself. I was being selfish and I paid for my mistake an expensive cost. I lost you. 

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

You were the only one who truly supported me and was always there for me. You helped me stand back on my feet every time I fell down. You never gave up on me and never let me give up on myself. When I was feeling alone or upset or whatever, you always managed to cheer me up. We had the best friendship ever. A close friend of mine once said about us : "You two are perfect the way you are. More than Friends Less than Lovers. This is the best thing you can wish for Hanan don't ruin it. Don't risk losing everything." I was dumb and didn't listen to her. I did put everything at risk. I was gambling what I cherished the most and I lost. 

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I always thought that you would understand. I was right; you understood just not enough. This is by no means your fault. On contrary, you did all you can to save our friendship. I knew what you thought about all this. I knew because not only we spent all our time together but also because you once told me. I was too stubborn to believe it. After all, that's the big irony in our nature as humans. We are smart enough to avoid disappointment yet stupid enough to get disappointed. But hey, who hasn't been foolish enough to let his heart take over his mind?! However it is not an excuse.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Just like the title of this post implies, there is no way I can express my feelings. There is no way I can express how much I miss you. But here is a glimpse. I miss you like I never missed anyone before. I miss you to the point that it hurts. I miss you that I want to tell you but I can't. You gave me a chance to save what is left from our friendship and I don't want to blow it away. That is why I will not tell you all this. I will not tell you how much I miss you. I will never bring this topic up for I still hope that once all this mess is over we can go back to talking.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Writing this did not and will not make things easier but it is a relief in a way. I just hope that this dark cloud will be over soon since it's been almost a month now and it feels like yesterday. I never thought that we would reach this point. During two years we never were apart like this but what has happened happened. So...

I just miss you.

A Word About My School

National American School in Zahle, Bekaa-Lebanon is where I attended school from preschool till high school with the exception of my year abroad. It was my second year of attending school when N.A.S opened its doors to welcome students so my dad transferred me there. Ever since, I grew up as the school grew up with me. I got to know every single corner of it. I watched it expand as I grew up year after year. It was amazing. 

Now looking back in time, I do miss it but not that much. The reason for that is because I still visit every once in a while and check on it. Every time I go, I come back with a great feeling. All the teachers always welcome me with warm hugs and kisses. They ask about me and how is life treating me. It feels flattering that I am still a part of this amazing family. They shared with me the laughs and the tears over the years. That is why I wanted to share a post in honor of my old school. 

The following is something I wrote about my school back when I was a senior.

“Why do we go to school?” This is first thing that comes to a child’s mind when he leaves his family to go to school for the first time. The upcoming years of his journey reveal an answer for that question. However, it is here at the National American School that he realizes that he has never really left his family but actually made it grow bigger. If one day you need advice about colleges and majors, studying skills, or even something as simple as a comfortable hug be sure that you will find what you need.  My amazing 12 years at N.A.S proved this true; with all the ups and downs I’ve been through I always found the members of this family there for me with all possible means. I guarantee you that you won’t be able to find a place where the teachers advice you about what is better for you instead of boss you around. Simply, they have become our “God-parents” that will stay with us spiritually now that we are all on our own path in life. We are not scared from what the future holds for us since we know that we are well prepared for all upcoming challenges we might face. So, I want to say that we are very proud to be part of the growing family of N.A.S. I would like to thank the Administration and the Educational board here at N.A.S for providing A BETTER TOMORROW TODAY for all of us.

A Needed Return to the Words

Ever since I was a little girl, I always enjoyed writing. While other girls pretended to be housewives or nurses, I would be writing about anything. When I played games with others I would make them pretend that we are in a big company and everyone would have something to copy or write. I used to love writing for when I wrote I could be whoever I want; any age, any profession...

As I grew up, I started to give up writing as a hobby for I had to write my school papers. My teachers always complimented my writing style and gave me the top grades in class. My friends and classmates used to complain when the teacher gave us a new topic to write about. However, I secretly loved it and enjoyed it. I have to confess though, there were times where I would write my friend's paper too. As much as I enjoyed to write, I found my true passion. MATH. It was a fascinating world. I started to focus more on the math and scientific subjects but never lost my writing skill. I remember back in 7th grade when the Arabic language teacher was telling the students her opinion for each one which was more suitable for them; the scientific domain or the literature domain. When the turn was at me, she gazed at me and smiled. She said "Hanan, mmm. I think that you would do well in either. You are a straight A scientific student with amazing writing skills."

Every time I thought about my future, I knew I would be in the scientific domain. I was starting to lose interest in writing and reading. During my exchange year I wanted to keep a daily diary to write down every single detail, however in the middle of the excitement and my busy schedule the idea of the diary faded away. Throughout high school I focused more and more on math and physics for I wanted to major in engineering. So, you can imagine how I drifted away from writing. Getting into the school of engineering made it even tougher for me to write. I have been away from writing for over 5 years now.

I started this blog to get back to writing. I know I am not a professional writer, after all I am an engineer student. But writing gives me a new power. The words have a magic touch that can take you anywhere you want. When you have no one to listen or when you don't feel like talking to anyone, writing is the best way to express everything. To let go of what is holding you back from achieving your goals.

I will write as many posts as I can and as often as I could. Hopefully someone will benefit from what I write or be entertained or something. If not, then I guess it's cool. It is all about the writing.

This come back should have been a while ago but late is better than never.

How I Became an Exchange Student.

AMERICA : The land of freedom .. the land of dreams.

As a teenager from Lebanon, the United States of America always sounded as the place of miracles. The place where dreams came true. The place where everything was possible, The place where everyone was even and equally treated. I used to constantly watch these American high school movies and fancied how they lived, I fancied every single detail of their lives from the independence they had to the prom they went to. It all seemed tempting and exciting but it never occurred to me that I might get the chance of living there and experiencing all that and much more.

It all started back in 9th grade when the principle and the English language teacher paid a visit to our class. They came to explain to us about this great opportunity where we get to go the States for a school year and live with an American family. The program was the YES program (Youth Exchange and Study program) where they granted 9th and 10th graders from across the Arab and Muslim world a full scholarship and all paid costs in addition to a monthly allowance for the student. It was founded by the American government after the events of September 11 in a try to prove to Americans that not all Arabs and Muslims are terrorists and at the same time to teach Arabians about the true American culture; not only what they see in the movies or the news. As the teacher went on explaining the details and encouraging us to apply saying that this is a lifetime opportunity and besides all the fun and cultural benefits, this would open us great doors to the future. Needless to say that the class was very excited and you could see the sparkle in the students' eyes especially those who dreamed about traveling there. As for me though, the idea never clicked in my head. I was too busy studying and preparing for the official exams at the end of the school year. I always knew what I wanted and planned accordingly. I was working on getting my straight A's and getting a high honors on my exams for it was a big deal for me and my parents. So at the time the idea seemed out of my interest list for I wanted to keep focused on my goal. The teachers tried to convince me to apply for I was perfect fit for this with my academic history and my fluent English. I have to admit I did like it in a way but not enough to apply.

I got home after a long day at school and my mom was in the kitchen preparing lunch, my youngest uncle was there too. I helped my mom set up the table and I decided to tell her about what happened at school. I wasn't sure how to start this conversation for I wasn't sure myself why I was about to tell her when I didn't even plan on applying! So I went and told her straight. I told her all about the scholarship. She looked at me and told me what I knew she was going to say. She said that I was still too young to travel anywhere by myself. She said that I still have a long way to go in life and do what I want, maybe go to college there but as for now the answer is no. I told her that I wasn't even planing on applying and I just told her that for no specific reason. We sat down for lunch but my dad wasn't home yet, he was running late at work that day.

After lunch, I did my prayers and went to do my homework. When dad arrived, my mom put him dinner and they ate together.  I went and sat next to him while he smoke his cigarette ; I knew he was in a good mood form the way he sat. I started to talk but for some reason I babbled at first! So, I took a breath and told him that I had something to say to him. I told him that I know how you and mom want to keep updated with what's going on in our school. He nodded in approval. I started to say that I knew he was going to reject the idea and that I was 99% sure he won't approve of such thing but I just wanted to tell him. I told him all the details and explained to him about the YES program when he looked up at me and said the unexpected. "Go ahead and apply." ! I was shocked for I did not see that coming and neither was my mom. At first I thought he was jocking or mocking me but it turned out he was dead serious about it. He said again and clearly "I am not playing around, go ahead and apply." I was surprised and had mixed feelings. I was happy that I might get a chance to see the world outside my country yet I was scared to be rejected. I have never been rejected before; always getting what I want and reaching my goals so what if I don't get in?!

That night I wasn't able to sleep for several reasons. One of which was the sound of parents talking in their room about this idea. My dad wanted me to apply so that he knows where my English level was ; if the private school was worth all the money he was paying. My mom however was worried about the idea that her 15 year old will be traveling across the globe by herself to live with strangers away from her family. I think the main reason why I didn't sleep was because of all the crazy thoughts I had running in my head. If I apply will they accept me? I mean over 1200 students apply from all over Lebanon and only 45 make the cut so what are the odds that I'll be one of those 45? And besides, is my English really that good? Like good enough to get me a scholarship to the states? And IF I went will my host family love and accept me for who I am? How will I survive in a society that I knew relatively nothing about? What about my official exams? Will I have the ability to balance my time between everything? ... I was so confused but somehow managed to get some sleep.

The next day the teachers were glad that I decided to apply and they all supported me. Once I got my application my journey started. Application after application, exam after exam, interview after interview till I finally made it and I was in the chosen 45.

Eventually, I got both of my YES scholarship and my high honors in the official exam. It was a busy year between my preparation for the year abroad with all the conferences we had to attend and orientations and between the official exams but I am happy to say that it was a success year. Now that I look back to 2008 it puts a smile on my face knowing that people believed in me and that once we put our mind to something we can pull it through all it takes is courage, determination and of course hard work.