New Start?!

The moment my finals' results came out last year, I knew that the life I lived the past couple years is no longer an option. I was certain now that with changing my university, nothing will be the same as before. I was worried.

Over the summer, I started to accept the idea of this new start with the help and support from family and friends. I reached the point where I was getting excited about starting and I was actually happy again. However, turns out that I was fooling myself. All of this excitement and enthusiasm were an unconscious phase to hide the pain and bury it deep down. Little did I know that when those true feelings return to the surface, reality will hit me hard. That started to happen two weeks ago.

I was having a normal day when my friend sent me a text saying that she moved in to the dorm. She said that she misses me and that the dorms are empty and not the same without me there. I would say that this text was the spark that ignited the explosion of my inner true fears. It was one of those moments where you suddenly understand what has happened, almost like waking up from a coma.

Almost thousands and thousands of terrifying thoughts went through my head at once. Tons of questions that made no sense and were left unanswered. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Where did the past two years' effort and hard work go? How can two years of my life simply evaporate into thin air? .. I felt like my head was about to explode, but instead my eyes exploded with nonstop tears. It felt like the tears were acid drops burning my cheeks and chin. I was devastated. I was a mess.

With days passing by, I was getting more and more nervous about my fresh start. There were days where I would cry but for a few minutes and that would be it.

It all came down to last night. Tomorrow is the big day, new college, new people, new life, new me. I have to admit that I cried myself to sleep, but they were relieving in a weird way. I had my friends' support and they were chatting with me trying to calm me down. I am truly blessed to have all of them beside me. Somewhere between my tears and the talk with my friends, my brain eventually gave up and let me get a couple hours of sleep.

When the sun came up, I was already awake. I prayed my morning prayers and headed to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I wanted to enjoy my coffee and get my head together but my brain wasn't going to let me have it! I was already wondering and worrying about everything. My mom woke up just in time to wake up my siblings for school and pull me away from my dark thoughts.

I got ready and waited for the bus to arrive. As if I wasn't nervous enough, the bus was running late and we did arrive about ten minutes late. Luckily, the teacher understood that it was the first day and he let the students in.

My first class was Calculus-2. Due to my bad mood, I didn't really pay attention to what the teacher was saying. I got that there would be four exams throughout the semester and he said something about a book we should get. This was honestly my first time since I can remember that I wasn't interested in what was being said. I realized I wasn't giving myself a chance to adjust and fit in. However, no matter how distracted I am, the moment the teacher starts explaining the lesson he gets my full attention. The first lesson was related to high school maths that seemed a long time ago. I found the material very easy and simple for such things were the basics to more complicated formulas. I didn't feel motivated to participate.

Second period was my elective course; Introduction to Community Health. It seemed very interesting and it was a chance to learn about a different domain than engineering. General knowledge and being able to discuss topics that are not related to my major is definitely very important to becoming a successful member of the society. I hoped that this class would give me this opportunity and judging by the introduction it seemed like I was on the right path.

During my break, I ran into an old classmate/friend from school. We got the chance to talk a bit and catch up. I was running into new people everywhere I looked but I wasn't ready yet to make new friendships. I was still hanging on to the past two years and I was feeling "homesick" to the dorms and my friends at my old uni. I just had to give myself sometime. "Rome wasn't built in a day", so I wasn't going to forget everything in one day.

Composition and Research Skills was next. I was honestly excited for this one class for several reasons, mainly that the section instructor was my former teacher back in school and I have always loved and respected her. When she gave us the introduction about the course and some of the class rules, she sounded strict. I myself love rules so I was glad to hear all that! The best part was her fluent English language; it has been a long time since I have heard someone speak like this. I just love it and specifically I love and enjoy having a conversation with someone like that. I miss practicing my English. All the discussion that was taking place was amazing. When class was over I realized that I was going to enjoy this course for she mentioned that we will be writing many essays and like I mentioned before writing has become more of my hobby.

AutoCad was my last for the day. The teacher explained to us the importance of this course as Engineering students. It really caught my attention. She did mention that there will be tons of assignments that must be handed on time. That motivated me even more, I was ready to get busy studying. However, she kept on saying that "time is our enemy in this course". I had to disagree for we were the ones to decide if time is our friend or enemy, but I didn't say a word. Seems like there is so much to learn in this class and I was excited to start learning.

Overall, the day was much better than I expected it to be. My classes seemed interesting; in general some more than others. I still feel that there is a hole in my heart that hurts, but I am not going to give up on myself. I am going to give it my best and hope for positive outcomes. Looking forward to building new friendships but when the time is right. I must not push myself over the limit so that I don't crash again yet I will absolutely do my best.

Tomorrow is a new day, new classes, new teachers. May it be even better than today, we'll see!