Can't Be Expressed By Words

You know the feeling when you become speechless? When words fail to come to you when you need them? Well, that's the case with me now. I have been trying to write this post for the past hour and every time I write a couple lines and go back and delete the entire thing. I have so much to say yet nothing seems enough. Not enough words, not enough ways, not enough strength. The reason behind this confusion is because I am missing a very important person yet I can't tell them. I mustn't.

The feeling has been eating me alive lately. I say I am fine when I am not. I say things are cool when everything is messed up. I want to speak, to write, to express my feelings but something is holding me back and I have no idea what it is. Maybe I do. I don't know. 

I have to just write what is on my mind perhaps it will help. I hope.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I miss how we used to chat and talk. I miss the times where talking was so easy. Now, talking is forbidden. 

I know life doesn't stop just because we got into a fight with our best friend or we broke up with the person we love or we are no longer seeing someone, I am well aware of that. But, what if we choose to not let go? What if we don't want to move on? What if we miss someone? Is it that too big of a crime?

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Every time I check my facebook account and your name pops up on my homepage or it happens that we both like the same photo it breaks my heart. Every time you post something I have to force myself from commenting or liking. Every time someone asks me about you I have to flash a smile on my face so that they don't see what I am hiding. We used to be best friends but I ruined it. I wanted you for myself. I was being selfish and I paid for my mistake an expensive cost. I lost you. 

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

You were the only one who truly supported me and was always there for me. You helped me stand back on my feet every time I fell down. You never gave up on me and never let me give up on myself. When I was feeling alone or upset or whatever, you always managed to cheer me up. We had the best friendship ever. A close friend of mine once said about us : "You two are perfect the way you are. More than Friends Less than Lovers. This is the best thing you can wish for Hanan don't ruin it. Don't risk losing everything." I was dumb and didn't listen to her. I did put everything at risk. I was gambling what I cherished the most and I lost. 

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I always thought that you would understand. I was right; you understood just not enough. This is by no means your fault. On contrary, you did all you can to save our friendship. I knew what you thought about all this. I knew because not only we spent all our time together but also because you once told me. I was too stubborn to believe it. After all, that's the big irony in our nature as humans. We are smart enough to avoid disappointment yet stupid enough to get disappointed. But hey, who hasn't been foolish enough to let his heart take over his mind?! However it is not an excuse.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Just like the title of this post implies, there is no way I can express my feelings. There is no way I can express how much I miss you. But here is a glimpse. I miss you like I never missed anyone before. I miss you to the point that it hurts. I miss you that I want to tell you but I can't. You gave me a chance to save what is left from our friendship and I don't want to blow it away. That is why I will not tell you all this. I will not tell you how much I miss you. I will never bring this topic up for I still hope that once all this mess is over we can go back to talking.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Writing this did not and will not make things easier but it is a relief in a way. I just hope that this dark cloud will be over soon since it's been almost a month now and it feels like yesterday. I never thought that we would reach this point. During two years we never were apart like this but what has happened happened. So...

I just miss you.